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Dreams about social issues.
Apr. 2nd, 2012 08:08 am What an awkward way to wake up. Dreamed that my sister and I had gone back to visit our old church and got pulled into running one of the sunday school classes. The big crisis we had to deal with? A toddler who needed to be convinced to try the banana he'd been given as a snack. But when sunday school was over, I happened to pass by the sanctuary, where I heard my old pastor saying some really insensitive, homophobic remarks. It made me feel guilty because I wanted to confront him on it, but was too meek/afraid/unprepared to do so. Making things more awkward, outside the church (which looked like the exterior of a movie theatre, but hey, dream), I saw one of my new grad school mates and his boyfriend. They were waiting for a ride from someone. We chatted pleasantly, but in the back of my mind, I was really worried about what would happen if they realized they were in the midst of a bunch of homophobic church people. I was so afraid of conflict, and dreading the thought of having to admit to these church people who had watched me grow up that I didn't agree with their position on things anymore.
So, not the best mindset to wake up in. Anxiety, I has it. It's a little bizarre how often my old church shows up in my dreams. I suppose it really shouldn't be, considering that the place was a key part of my life for twenty-odd years, but the trouble is, when it does manifest, it's always like this, representing some sticky social or moral situation in which I feel unprepared, exasperated, or guilty. I know some of that is definitely real, because I have been (and continue to be) quite timid about standing up for any kind of social/moral issues. I'm like that because I'm indecisive, and having gradually overhauled my personal beliefs in my years since I left the church, I don't want to go spouting loudly about them yet in case I change my mind again, even though I know, somewhat objectively, that what I believe now is more socially responsible than what I believed before, and comes from a more mature, more experienced point of view than I was capable of as a kid and a teen.
No, that's not why. Well, yes it is, in part. But I should be honest, here. The major reason why I don't speak up is because I'm afraid of disappointing people. That's my main reason behind almost anything I do, in fact. No matter what, I absolutely mustn't disappoint anyone. Gah.
So, not the best mindset to wake up in. Anxiety, I has it. It's a little bizarre how often my old church shows up in my dreams. I suppose it really shouldn't be, considering that the place was a key part of my life for twenty-odd years, but the trouble is, when it does manifest, it's always like this, representing some sticky social or moral situation in which I feel unprepared, exasperated, or guilty. I know some of that is definitely real, because I have been (and continue to be) quite timid about standing up for any kind of social/moral issues. I'm like that because I'm indecisive, and having gradually overhauled my personal beliefs in my years since I left the church, I don't want to go spouting loudly about them yet in case I change my mind again, even though I know, somewhat objectively, that what I believe now is more socially responsible than what I believed before, and comes from a more mature, more experienced point of view than I was capable of as a kid and a teen.
No, that's not why. Well, yes it is, in part. But I should be honest, here. The major reason why I don't speak up is because I'm afraid of disappointing people. That's my main reason behind almost anything I do, in fact. No matter what, I absolutely mustn't disappoint anyone. Gah.
